Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
