I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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