i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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