You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
