just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
