Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The feeling are messing with the penis
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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