Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
