My hand turned me down
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
