Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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