The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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