just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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