Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
