how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
