in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
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He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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