Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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