At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
