Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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