Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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