My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
