I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
