I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
