weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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