A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
