i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
