This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
