does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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