Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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