I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
