oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
