i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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