You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
