that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
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And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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