how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
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Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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