just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
