She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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