CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
