I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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