i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
