Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
