Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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