I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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