she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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