Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
