I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
