I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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