OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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