My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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