I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
