seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Randomize
