hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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