I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
