Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
