I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
