do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
