she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
