I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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