Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
