I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I forget how to act sober
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
