I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
